You have many questions and things you are trying to figure out on your own. You can’t do it on your own. God is looking for us to TRUST Him. This is what God is saying to each of us daily “Will You Trust Me”?
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:5, 6 NKJV)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13 NKJV)